The Play Date
The Play Date
Originally written 23 June 2021
When I was single it was about finding friends you liked and liked you. When I was dating and newly married, I realized that the ideal was that we BOTH would like BOTH of another couple. Now that our family has grown to include children, the odds of finding people who are an ease to spend time with is greatly more complex. There is a balance between being too insular and also too welcoming. I know for myself I spent over a decade teaching and only realized the full breadth of the effect children have on one another when I became a mother.
I had a friend whom I enjoyed, but X was always a fright after being with her children. X used to have behavioral setbacks for about a day after we were with them – whiny, disobedient, etc. I try to encourage mom-only coffee dates. When we do get together I talk to X beforehand and point out specific things that her children may do that he may not do. I just say “friends have things they are working on just like you, but we know the right thing to do and that’s what I expect.” We had a bit of a rough patch, but he seems to rebound pretty well when we get together with them now. Honestly, all my other friends (“all” being 2-3 of them) share the same parenting values and that’s why we’re friends.
This is not to say that we keep the circle small or small forever, but having the “first little talk” before going into a social situation when they are young and weak has given a chance to set expectations for during and after. Not putting himself above someone else is also hard to do in this kind of situation. At three I asked him, “what are some things you are working on?” and he knew exactly what I meant and was able to name three things. I was surprised, but relieved. In calling him up to habit, I try to also call him up to compassion. While not perfect in execution, we are both growing in our understanding of navigating these social situations. We have recently moved to a wooded area and I know I can’t keep him in a bubble forever, but it’s nice to know that ticks from the forest are generally easier to remove than habits.
