The Tantrum
The Tantrum
Originally written May 25, 2021
My friend just had her fourth and her oldest, a five-year-old boy, began having tantrums. His tantrums and fussy responses began and then he lost control when being asked to do something he didn’t like. This frustrating situation for all was the impetus for reaching out and asking “WWCMD?!” (What would Charlotte Mason Do?) This came on the heels of some of my own less than stellar parenting moments, so I had already been thinking about it with my three-year-old, X.
I was recently challenged by a mentor who said “discipline is not what happens after failure, but before.” What am I doing to address the failure instead of just living a reactionary life, which is not only exhausting, but ineffective? Having punitive punishments after the fact can “work” in a behavioral sense, but is rarely relational or getting to the character issue at hand.
I’ve been thinking of what I can do with X to model CM “tact (talking and setting up expectations), watchfulness (catching things before they happen), persistence (not giving a free pass and looking for opportunities to practice the habit, not get out of doing so)”. This young man needs a reset, obviously. Starting with a non-emotional conversation when tensions are not high like can build an alliance with him, “it seems like ___ has been your response. This is not what I expect from a big boy of five. Five year olds are able to peacefully accept no/ obey calmly/etc. What I expect is “yes mamma” and immediate obedience.” In this conversation calling it something simple and direct is helpful that help you refer back like “peaceful obedience.” This setting of expectations is followed by then practicing multiple times. Look for opportunities throughout the day to practice. With X I’ve been having him miss out on things to practice with me, so I think that could be even more effective for an older kid like W. Mason talks about that look of a storm cloud over a child before he responds poorly. I would bet there are some tells that could be identified and point out to him too. Finding successes and pointing those out are an encouragement to both of you. Not a random “good job” (another post on this later), but a sincere check-in asking him to self-assess. “How do you think you’ve done today with peaceful obedience?”
Looking for times of day or other things going on at the root. Is he wanting more one-on-one time with you? Is it nutrition related (like did he have sugar overload at the grandparents or didn’t have protein for lunch)? Is your husband busy or traveling? etc. Identifying some of those don’t give excuses, but may help to have a conversation with him and teach him to be self aware and have some extra quality time, eat something different, etc.
These suggestions have yet to play out in the life of my friend and her son, but I have noticed a difference in our home life already just thinking about what to do BEFORE failure. Setting the expectations simply has not only helped our X, but also boils it down for me to be able to pinpoint what exactly we are working on and working TOWARD.
